('Wahrane Wahrane' song by Algerian singer Cheb Khaled tells about nostalgia and people living in exile)
I haven't been blogging lately about you as much as I want to, even though so much is happening with you. Why? It's because I miss you so much and I'm love-deprived away from you.
The other day, my dear friend Maryam al-Khawaja flied to Bahrain after being in self-exile nearly for the past two years. I have been also away from you for the past two years. I remembered how I used to humorously ask her, "Do you miss Bahrain?" and she gives me that look! Then I tell her, I feel you. I KNOW how does it feel," I reply.
So, how can I miss you and stop blogging about you in the same time? Well, my nostalgia towards you is taking toll on me, like many many others of your sons and daughters who're away from you. My nostalgia is causing me harm. I miss the abundance of love you had, regardless of how life was extremely difficult with you but the bottomless love I used to get from you was priceless (I'm realizing this after I left you).
Ok, I'll just say fuck you Sweden and leave it all and run to you again and taste that love again and be mentally, emotionally, cognitively healthy once again. I wish I can say all that and just do it. But no. This is a challenge I must take.
Living in exile is difficult but living with you is difficult too. It's complicated. If I complain that my life in Sweden is tough, your people tell me; life is tough too at home. So, does that supposed to make me feel better? in the contrary. It becomes tougher. Should I not express my thoughts? should I remain silent and grateful to Sweden? Hell no! I will tell you and Sweden what I feel and you both gotta live with it.
Living in exile has its benefits but nothing could beat your general traditions among your people; traditions of warmth, sympathy, kindness. No, it's not winter blues I'm having. Yes, Sweden's winter is unbelievable but even during the summer I have been thinking about this too.(Seeing Maryam in Bahrain triggered all of it now.) I'm sick and tired of the shy and reserved attitudes I see around me. I miss how loved I was When I was with you. I was loved by my parents, my family members, true friends, even the ordinary stranger people in the streets. I miss the constant eye-contacts and random chit chats.
Today, I'm love-deprived. You know the feeling when you are sleep-deprived? and then you can't function very well? well, this is kinda similar. I basically can't function as I used to. I'm having hard time to focus and write. Something is not balanced in me anymore. I keep thinking of you; I'm far away but near of you in the same time. It kills me.
This was a letter to my beloved Yemen..